What Not to Wear

Posted: September 18, 2012 in Creative Writing
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I thought I’d put this skit on this blog because women’s ministries in particular have been interested in it. If you use it, I hope that you will write me a note and let me know how it went!

What Not to Wear: Super Quick Transformation Edition

Stacy London: pattern everything after the actual host of What Not to Wear, Stacy London, an attractive brunette who is not afraid to speak her mind.

Kelly Humboldt: can act sheepish (for the first scene) and free (in the second scene). Wearing muted tones, at least one large stain that can be viewed by all, and she’d probably have on an ankle-length skirt, wrist length loose shirt, pieces of hair covering her face. And she would possibly be wearing loafers or tennis shoes.
Post-Transformation: bright colors that complement her skin tone, neatly fitting, stylish, like possibly a polka-dotted dress with matching shoes or something fun like that. Be creative. Hair up and out of face.

Tina Tauty: big personality. Wearing a tight, revealing top, high, high hair, platform shoes or spike heels as high as possible. Possibly a short skirt, animal print may be good. Painted nails, lots of make-up, etc.
Post-Transformation: a sun-dress that looks comfortable and yet elegant. Possibly a pretty sunflower hat and sandals to go with it. The color pink is an option. Also she could wear a heart charm necklace and/or bracelet. Hair much more natural and nice looking.

Martha Freitas: practical, sensible lady. Wearing all yellow or black with yellow. Sporty look with lots of pockets, glasses, and possibly a hat and a big watch. She will have on a fanny pack and a huge, overstuffed backpack. See script for items to have on her for the first scene.
Post-Transformation: a sleek business suit (possibly navy blue), with a small purse that matches. Small, simple accessories. Hair put up neatly.

Set: a mirror on stage for contestants in part 1, other decorative items are optional.

Stacy London: Hello Ladies of Wasilla, Alaska! I’m Stacy London and it is my pleasure to inform you that three of you were lovingly selected for the “What Not to Wear Super Quick Transformation Edition.” We’re gonna get ready to rock some lives and turn some closets upside-down.

Stacy: Let’s put our hands together for the first lucky contestant, Kelly Humboldt, come on up here Kelly.

Stacy: Now Kelly, let’s face it, you have no reason to look this way. You’re friends tell me that you have a great personality, but you look like you have the personality of a piece of underwater coral. So tell me, why do you insist on covering every inch of skin possible, sticking to all these bland muted tones and even wearing items with obvious stains on them?

Kelly: Hmm… no one’s ever asked me that before.

Stacy: That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Kelly: Well, I guess I feel like if I don’t let anyone see me, no one will see how pathetic I am underneath. I also feel that if I was clumsy enough to earn these stains, I deserve to wear them. The muted tones make me feel invisible, which gives me a kind of comfort. If someone noticed me, they might reject me… and that would be just awful.

Stacy: I think we have a classic case of shame on our hands, ladies. So sad, I hate to see lovely ladies in such a state. Kelly, this is not healthy behavior. Just to prove my point, how many of you ladies knowingly and willingly wear clothing with large gaping stains on them everywhere you go just because you feel you deserve to wear them? Now, to reinforce our message to Kelly, say it with me, (words written on a cue card for audience). “Kelly, the shame has to go!” Are you now ready to take the plunge and replace that shame with some confidence and freedom?

Kelly: Well, I don’t know…

Stacy: Have a good look at yourself while you decide. (Meanwhile Stacy gets audience to chant, “Change those clothes, change those clothes,” etc.)

Kelly: Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll let go of the clothes. I really don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I have my doubts as to whether you can improve me that much. I guess anything’s probably better than this.

Stacy: Good choice, Kelly! We’ll escort you to our secret dressing room with our secret consultant and we promise you’ll like what you’ll see. Now for our next contestant, please give a warm welcome to Tina Tauty. Come on up, Tina! You look a little surprised to be chosen.

Tina: Honestly, I am a little miffed, I mean, I think I look great.

Stacy: Well, Tina, since we’re both being honest here, I’ll do you a favor. You need to take your hair, your shoes, and your pride down a few notches… and maybe take your bustline up a few as well. Tell me, Tina, why do you feel that you must be the center of attention all the time?

Tina: Who said that? I’m not that way!

Stacy: Just look at yourself in the mirror. What about your outfit does not draw attention?

Tina: Okay, I admit it, you’re right. But it’s fun to have all the attention all the time. I crave it.

Stacy: Did you ever consider that it’s not the right kind of attention, that people either fall over when they look at you or run the other way when they see you coming?

Tina: But no one’s ever told me…

Stacy: How could anyone dare say anything? How would you react?

Tina: It’s true. But what if I change and I just blend into the background, forgotten by everyone?

Stacy: I promise, Tina, we’ll find the real you and people will love you, not only for who you are, but for how you begin to affect them. Say it with me, Ladies. “Tina, the pride has to go!” Trust us, Tina, okay?

Tina: Okay, I hope you ladies know what you’re talking about.

Stacy: Go get going to your new life, Tina! Now for our last, but not least-needy contestant, Martha Freitas. Yes, you Martha, come on up.

Stacy: Martha, Martha, Martha, what’s with all the yellow? You look like a big caution sign. And your friends wonder why you insist on carrying a small convenience store with you wherever you go? What is all that stuff?

Martha: Well, I have a reason for everything I do. Yellow is the most easily spotted color and if I wear it, I feel that I’m less likely to get hurt. And everything I carry with me is absolutely essential. I have my car and house key in each of my many pockets so I’m never locked out, ever. I have my inhaler for my many panic attacks, mace for all those Wasilla predators, mittens and a plastic lap protector in case I have coffee in the car, let’s see, barf bags….

Stacy: Okay, okay, say no more! We’d be here till Christmas if you kept going. Now why do you think you need all this stuff? I mean, what is this dohicky? (Holds up an odd looking item.) No, no, I won’t even ask. How many times have you actually needed 90% of this stuff?

Martha: Well… I guess I don’t need, need it. It’s just that I, I’m so afraid all the time, it just makes me feel safer I guess.

Stacy: Let’s take another audience poll. How many of you ladies managed to get through the week without getting mugged, regardless of whether or not you carry mace? And how many of you got hit by a car this week because you didn’t wear yellow? You know, yellow is the color for… cowards. So have we possibly convinced you that you might be able to trade in all this stuff with all your fears that go with it?

Martha: Well, I guess I am just a little obsessed.

Stacy: Ladies, say it with me, “Martha, the fear has to go.” Now, ladies, enjoy your time here and we’ll be back with the new and improved Kelly, Tina, and Martha! Thanks for all your help and encouragement!

Stacy: Okay, Ladies, now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Three atrociously-dressed women have been transformed behind closed doors. They have traded their shame, their pride, and their fear for freedom, love, and a sound mind.

Stacy: (Play Trading My Sorrows in the background.) Come on out, Kelly. (Kelly does a runway walk while Stacy narrates. She returns to Kelly for her lines at the end.) For Kelly, we’ve chosen a look that accentuates her inner beauty. The vibrant colors bring out her natural shine. She is no longer hiding under her hair and behind dull colors. I think that she is even walking differently as a result. You go girl! Kelly, how do you feel?

Kelly: I feel so alive! I can’t even believe I was hanging on to all that loathsome stuff. I finally realize that I don’t have to hide in the background, but that I’m important, a daughter of a king rather than some peasant woman in rags. Thanks so much for showing me the light!
(Applause)

Stacy: Now, Tina, come on out! We preferred to keep Tina’s personality intact by her choice of colors and creativity. She likes to express herself and we love that about her. In this delicate outfit, you can see that she’s not trying so hard to be noticed, that she looks quite natural and comfortable in her own skin. She is able to give and take, very approachable and loving. Tina, how are you liking your new look?

Tina: Stacy, it feels so different, so much more relaxed. I’m not trying to be anything but me, and me is really okay. I’m also learning to see others more clearly and I’m finding that the world is a truly beautiful place. And you ladies are gorgeous… I love you all! (Blows kisses as she walks to her place with Kelly.)

Stacy: Martha, now it’s your turn to shine! Come on out! Martha has a very practical and professional style which we used to her advantage. She now has one single sleek purse with all the really necessary items. She is now looking calm, confident, and secure. Martha, share with us your new experience.

Martha: Oh, it’s such a relief to not be lugging around all that extra junk just because of some silly fears. It also takes so much less time to get me ready in the morning. You know, I feel so at peace that I’d be surprised if I ever had another panic attack again. Thank you so much, ladies!

Stacy: Take a bow you three! (Applause)

Stacy: I must now aknowledge our secret consultant who is present and can now be easily seen in the lives of all three of these ladies. Let us give a big round of applause to Jesus Christ, the Healer, Deliverer, and sponsor of all these beautiful garments of splendor. Thanks for coming and we hope you’ve learned a little more about what not and what to wear!

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