What Not to Wear

I thought I’d put this skit on this blog because women’s ministries in particular have been interested in it. If you use it, I hope that you will write me a note and let me know how it went!

What Not to Wear: Super Quick Transformation Edition

Stacy London: pattern everything after the actual host of What Not to Wear, Stacy London, an attractive brunette who is not afraid to speak her mind.

Kelly Humboldt: can act sheepish (for the first scene) and free (in the second scene). Wearing muted tones, at least one large stain that can be viewed by all, and she’d probably have on an ankle-length skirt, wrist length loose shirt, pieces of hair covering her face. And she would possibly be wearing loafers or tennis shoes.
Post-Transformation: bright colors that complement her skin tone, neatly fitting, stylish, like possibly a polka-dotted dress with matching shoes or something fun like that. Be creative. Hair up and out of face.

Tina Tauty: big personality. Wearing a tight, revealing top, high, high hair, platform shoes or spike heels as high as possible. Possibly a short skirt, animal print may be good. Painted nails, lots of make-up, etc.
Post-Transformation: a sun-dress that looks comfortable and yet elegant. Possibly a pretty sunflower hat and sandals to go with it. The color pink is an option. Also she could wear a heart charm necklace and/or bracelet. Hair much more natural and nice looking.

Martha Freitas: practical, sensible lady. Wearing all yellow or black with yellow. Sporty look with lots of pockets, glasses, and possibly a hat and a big watch. She will have on a fanny pack and a huge, overstuffed backpack. See script for items to have on her for the first scene.
Post-Transformation: a sleek business suit (possibly navy blue), with a small purse that matches. Small, simple accessories. Hair put up neatly.

Set: a mirror on stage for contestants in part 1, other decorative items are optional.

Stacy London: Hello Ladies of Wasilla, Alaska! I’m Stacy London and it is my pleasure to inform you that three of you were lovingly selected for the “What Not to Wear Super Quick Transformation Edition.” We’re gonna get ready to rock some lives and turn some closets upside-down.

Stacy: Let’s put our hands together for the first lucky contestant, Kelly Humboldt, come on up here Kelly.

Stacy: Now Kelly, let’s face it, you have no reason to look this way. You’re friends tell me that you have a great personality, but you look like you have the personality of a piece of underwater coral. So tell me, why do you insist on covering every inch of skin possible, sticking to all these bland muted tones and even wearing items with obvious stains on them?

Kelly: Hmm… no one’s ever asked me that before.

Stacy: That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Kelly: Well, I guess I feel like if I don’t let anyone see me, no one will see how pathetic I am underneath. I also feel that if I was clumsy enough to earn these stains, I deserve to wear them. The muted tones make me feel invisible, which gives me a kind of comfort. If someone noticed me, they might reject me… and that would be just awful.

Stacy: I think we have a classic case of shame on our hands, ladies. So sad, I hate to see lovely ladies in such a state. Kelly, this is not healthy behavior. Just to prove my point, how many of you ladies knowingly and willingly wear clothing with large gaping stains on them everywhere you go just because you feel you deserve to wear them? Now, to reinforce our message to Kelly, say it with me, (words written on a cue card for audience). “Kelly, the shame has to go!” Are you now ready to take the plunge and replace that shame with some confidence and freedom?

Kelly: Well, I don’t know…

Stacy: Have a good look at yourself while you decide. (Meanwhile Stacy gets audience to chant, “Change those clothes, change those clothes,” etc.)

Kelly: Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll let go of the clothes. I really don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I have my doubts as to whether you can improve me that much. I guess anything’s probably better than this.

Stacy: Good choice, Kelly! We’ll escort you to our secret dressing room with our secret consultant and we promise you’ll like what you’ll see. Now for our next contestant, please give a warm welcome to Tina Tauty. Come on up, Tina! You look a little surprised to be chosen.

Tina: Honestly, I am a little miffed, I mean, I think I look great.

Stacy: Well, Tina, since we’re both being honest here, I’ll do you a favor. You need to take your hair, your shoes, and your pride down a few notches… and maybe take your bustline up a few as well. Tell me, Tina, why do you feel that you must be the center of attention all the time?

Tina: Who said that? I’m not that way!

Stacy: Just look at yourself in the mirror. What about your outfit does not draw attention?

Tina: Okay, I admit it, you’re right. But it’s fun to have all the attention all the time. I crave it.

Stacy: Did you ever consider that it’s not the right kind of attention, that people either fall over when they look at you or run the other way when they see you coming?

Tina: But no one’s ever told me…

Stacy: How could anyone dare say anything? How would you react?

Tina: It’s true. But what if I change and I just blend into the background, forgotten by everyone?

Stacy: I promise, Tina, we’ll find the real you and people will love you, not only for who you are, but for how you begin to affect them. Say it with me, Ladies. “Tina, the pride has to go!” Trust us, Tina, okay?

Tina: Okay, I hope you ladies know what you’re talking about.

Stacy: Go get going to your new life, Tina! Now for our last, but not least-needy contestant, Martha Freitas. Yes, you Martha, come on up.

Stacy: Martha, Martha, Martha, what’s with all the yellow? You look like a big caution sign. And your friends wonder why you insist on carrying a small convenience store with you wherever you go? What is all that stuff?

Martha: Well, I have a reason for everything I do. Yellow is the most easily spotted color and if I wear it, I feel that I’m less likely to get hurt. And everything I carry with me is absolutely essential. I have my car and house key in each of my many pockets so I’m never locked out, ever. I have my inhaler for my many panic attacks, mace for all those Wasilla predators, mittens and a plastic lap protector in case I have coffee in the car, let’s see, barf bags….

Stacy: Okay, okay, say no more! We’d be here till Christmas if you kept going. Now why do you think you need all this stuff? I mean, what is this dohicky? (Holds up an odd looking item.) No, no, I won’t even ask. How many times have you actually needed 90% of this stuff?

Martha: Well… I guess I don’t need, need it. It’s just that I, I’m so afraid all the time, it just makes me feel safer I guess.

Stacy: Let’s take another audience poll. How many of you ladies managed to get through the week without getting mugged, regardless of whether or not you carry mace? And how many of you got hit by a car this week because you didn’t wear yellow? You know, yellow is the color for… cowards. So have we possibly convinced you that you might be able to trade in all this stuff with all your fears that go with it?

Martha: Well, I guess I am just a little obsessed.

Stacy: Ladies, say it with me, “Martha, the fear has to go.” Now, ladies, enjoy your time here and we’ll be back with the new and improved Kelly, Tina, and Martha! Thanks for all your help and encouragement!

Stacy: Okay, Ladies, now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Three atrociously-dressed women have been transformed behind closed doors. They have traded their shame, their pride, and their fear for freedom, love, and a sound mind.

Stacy: (Play Trading My Sorrows in the background.) Come on out, Kelly. (Kelly does a runway walk while Stacy narrates. She returns to Kelly for her lines at the end.) For Kelly, we’ve chosen a look that accentuates her inner beauty. The vibrant colors bring out her natural shine. She is no longer hiding under her hair and behind dull colors. I think that she is even walking differently as a result. You go girl! Kelly, how do you feel?

Kelly: I feel so alive! I can’t even believe I was hanging on to all that loathsome stuff. I finally realize that I don’t have to hide in the background, but that I’m important, a daughter of a king rather than some peasant woman in rags. Thanks so much for showing me the light!
(Applause)

Stacy: Now, Tina, come on out! We preferred to keep Tina’s personality intact by her choice of colors and creativity. She likes to express herself and we love that about her. In this delicate outfit, you can see that she’s not trying so hard to be noticed, that she looks quite natural and comfortable in her own skin. She is able to give and take, very approachable and loving. Tina, how are you liking your new look?

Tina: Stacy, it feels so different, so much more relaxed. I’m not trying to be anything but me, and me is really okay. I’m also learning to see others more clearly and I’m finding that the world is a truly beautiful place. And you ladies are gorgeous… I love you all! (Blows kisses as she walks to her place with Kelly.)

Stacy: Martha, now it’s your turn to shine! Come on out! Martha has a very practical and professional style which we used to her advantage. She now has one single sleek purse with all the really necessary items. She is now looking calm, confident, and secure. Martha, share with us your new experience.

Martha: Oh, it’s such a relief to not be lugging around all that extra junk just because of some silly fears. It also takes so much less time to get me ready in the morning. You know, I feel so at peace that I’d be surprised if I ever had another panic attack again. Thank you so much, ladies!

Stacy: Take a bow you three! (Applause)

Stacy: I must now aknowledge our secret consultant who is present and can now be easily seen in the lives of all three of these ladies. Let us give a big round of applause to Jesus Christ, the Healer, Deliverer, and sponsor of all these beautiful garments of splendor. Thanks for coming and we hope you’ve learned a little more about what not and what to wear!

What Not to Wear: Pajama Edition

This is part 2, of the “What Not to Wear” skit for Women’s Ministry. They asked me to do a pajama edition for a pj party. Here it is 🙂

What Not to Wear: Pajama Wear Edition

Stacy London: pattern everything after the actual host of What Not to Wear, Stacy London, an attractive brunette who is not afraid to speak her mind.

Carmen Piper: a young lady who is very driven and very often falls asleep in all her clothing. Carmen Post-Transformation: She has some fun and very soft cozy PJ’s on with slippers a very soft robe.

Before Song: A Hard Day’s Night
After Song: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Gracie Johnson: a lady in her thirties who is married and dresses frumpy to bed so that her husband is not attracted to her. Gracie Post-Transformation: She is wearing a sexy, but not too revealing negligee with a silky robe over it. She is also wearing perfume.

Before Song: What’s Love Gotta Do with It
After Song: Can You Feel the Love Tonight

Donna Doherty: an older lady who has not bought new PJ’s in over 20 years. Everything is ragged and threadbare. Donna Post-Transformation: she has brand new silk PJ’s on and is convinced that she can spend some money on herself once in a while.

Before Song: Seasons in the Sun
After Song: I Feel Pretty

Master of Ceremonies: Introduces Stacy London.

Assistant(s): Stacy has an assistant or two who will escort the contestants to and from the stage.

Husband of Gracie Johnson: pre-recorded part.

You will need a sound technician to play the music clips on cue as well as a media person to do the pictures of Carmen Piper. You may need a video person to do the Husband’s pre-recorded part, or this can simply be audio for the sound technician to play.

Master of Ceremonies: And now, back by popular demand, we’ve invited Stacy London, host of What Not to Wear to come back for our What Not to Wear: Pajama Edition! Please welcome her to the stage!! (Dance music comes on as she enters.)

Stacy London: Hello, beautiful ladies of Alaska!!! Thanks so much for having me back for the first ever, “What Not to Wear: Pajama Edition!” (Applause) I have to tell you honestly that never in my life have I been asked to critique the bed-wear of my sisters, but I’ll tell you what… I’ve been dying to do it. We are here to prove that you can feel like a queen even in the privacy of your own room or in a room full of your soul sistas! Am I right? Who’s with me? (Applause)

Stacy London: Okay, for our first victim, um, I mean participant, we have Carmen Piper! Come on up here, Carmen! You look a little surprised. How ya doing? Did you know this was a pajama party?

Carmen: Yeah, I know. I just couldn’t find anything…okay, so what did my friends tell you about me? I’m dying to know.

Stacy London: Well, I think a picture says a thousand words. Let’s look at some photographs of you snuggled up for the night in your nightwear. (Show several pictures on the screen of Carmen passed out in her clothing while doing things like on the computer, on the phone, reading a book, etc.) Tell me truly, Carmen, when is the last time you even found time to get ready for bed?

Carmen: Well, on Monday, I… no maybe Saturday. No that was my meeting with the board. Hummm… I’m sorry I can’t remember. Let me get out my date book and I can tell you.

Stacy London: Hold it right there, Carmen! Drop the datebook. (The phone rings.) Drop the phone. (She peeks at her watch.) Take off the watch. Nightwear is made to help you relax. Do you know the meaning of the word, relax? Breathe in, breath out. Do it with us ladies. Inhale pink, exhale blue. In and out. Once more… in and out. When you come back out, you’ll look so relaxed and comfy that you won’t even need your 8 cups of coffee tomorrow morning! You’ll also have a new theme song. (Play A Hard Day’s Night as she exits.)

Stacy London: Now bring up the graceful Gracie Johnson! Tz, Tz, Tz. Gracie, are you married?

Gracie: Yes. He’s a great man, and he loves me just the way I am.

Stacy London: How special he must be! Ladies, married or unmarried, do you think Gracie’s husband loves to go to bed each and every night with a wife who looks like one of his college dorm buddies? (Possibly mixed responses.) We have a little clip of his viewpoint on the subject.

Husband (audio): Gracie, sorry to do this to you, but I’m desperate. You are so beautiful, but you don’t seem to care about showing it when you go to bed. I have got to see you in something other than that awful grey sweatpants and that old tan Ray’s shirt of yours. I would have thrown it away years ago if I wasn’t afraid of how you’d react. Help me, Stacy!

Gracie: You’ve heard it from the husband’s mouth, Gracie. You’re desperate husband wants you in all your glory! What’s more important to you, your comfort or his desire for his wife? You don’t have to answer now. Think it over and we’ll see if we can’t get you to see the light. (Exits to “What’s Love Gotta Do With It”)

Stacy London: Next contestant, Donna Doherty! Let’s see what you’re donning tonight!
Wow! That’s all I can say… wow!

Donna: What’s the big deal?

Stacy London: Exactly how old is this outfit?

Donna: Hmmm, I think I had it in my thirties and it still fits. Pretty impressive, huh?

Stacy London: Um, to be blunt, no. Not impressive at all. Do you have anything newer?

Donna: Why buy anything new? It’s not like anyone will see me. Besides, I like all my old stuff. It reminds me of the good ole days. You know?

Stacy London: Does this keep you warm on those cold Alaska nights?

Donna: Well it is a little drafty I suppose.

Stacy London: What if someone came to your door while you had your PJ’s on?

Donna: I never thought about that before. But I don’t think they should judge.

Stacy London: Donna, you have value. Do you believe that?

Donna: I’m not sure what you’re asking exactly. I know, I work at the post office. I guess I do an okay job and I’m valuable to them. And when I was younger, I was a good mom to my kids, but now they’re all grown and don’t need me as much anymore…

Stacy London: That’s not what I mean. You have intrinsic value whether you work or not, whether you have kids or not, no matter what you do. You need to stop holding on to the past and realize that you’re valuable today and we think you’re at the very least valuable enough to buy you new pajamas.

Donna: Okay, I guess it is time to update just a bit. Thanks for reminding me of all that, Stacy, I needed to hear it.

Stacy London: Bless you, my dear, go and be transformed. (Play Seasons in the Sun as she exits.)

Stacy London: We will eagerly await the nighttime transformation of each of these wonderful ladies on the first ever “What Not to Wear: Pajama Edition!” Thanks to all of you for being a part of the magic! See you after these messages!

Master of Ceremonies: I have been informed that the contestants have made themselves ready and the transformation of their PJ’s is complete. Take it away Stacy!

Stacy London: That’s right, (Miss LaRae or whoever does the MC part)! Remember first, Carmen, the young woman you’d have thought she was on Speed if you didn’t know she was a good Christian lady. The problem was that her “good works” were getting in the way of “holy relaxation and fun” that beckons us from time to time. Let’s just look at her now!

Stacy London: (Carmen walks the catwalk with a nice steady step, relaxed and confident to the tune of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.) Carmen has been transformed from a woman who made me nervous just looking at her to a woman that I want to be. Just look at this nice cozy cute outfit. Perfect for the occasion of a nice movie and popcorn and certainly appropriate for some real, quality sleep. Congratulations, Carmen! Any comments?

Carmen: You know, I realize now that peace is a state of being. If I ever lose my peace again, I’m going to stop what I’m doing and ask God to help me get it back. The peace I have now feels cozier than this great set of pajamas. Thanks so much for talking sense into me, Stacy, and all my friends who cornered me. I feel great and I’m ready to have some fun!

Stacy London: Way to go, girl. Next up, Gracie, the frumpy wife who just wanted to be comfortable all the time. Hubby, if you could only see her now, watch out!

Stacy London: (Gracie saunters out to Can You Feel the Love Tonight.) Check her out! You may want to go to bed a little earlier from now on, because your husband may not want to sleep right away… Elegance and taste wrapped in a beautifully distinguished and feminine robe. You are breathtaking! How do you feel?

Gracie: I thought I’d feel a little embarrassed, but actually a little femininity goes a long way. I realized that I’d been hiding that part of myself and I don’t like it. I’m done with being ashamed of being a woman. It’s who God made me and I’m going to celebrate it in style!

Stacy London: Way to go, Gracie! Your husband’s right, you are beautiful… and now it is clearly evident!

Stacy London: I am now proud to introduce a woman who, just a few moments ago, valued herself so little that she refused to purchase new pajamas for herself in over twenty years. Now let’s see the new, improved Donna Doherty!

Stacy London: (Donna cascades out with her expensive evening wear to the tune of “I Feel Pretty.”) This outfit is tailor made to fit Donna’s unique and exquisite frame. She looks like a queen, not a mere post lady or mom, but more importantly: a daughter of a king! Let’s hear what she has to say!

Donna: Stacy, I don’t know how you did it, but you nailed me. I was feeling very lacking in value as a person. I was hanging on to my past for security. I realize now that I can live much happier in the now, and that my Heavenly Father loves me for who I am: old or young, yesterday and today. His love for me never changes, and I will live to know it more fully each day.

Stacy London: That was profound, it even makes me a little moist around the eyelashes. (She begins fanning her eyes.) As always, it has been a pleasure. You are a great group of women! Have a great night and everyone feel pretty because you are! (Blows a kiss as she leaves the stage. Optional: Play song “I Feel Pretty” to close.)

John the Beloved: Unlikely Vessels

This monologue was written for an Unlikely Vessels series at our church for a video presentation. It is written from the perspective of John, one of the closest disciples to Jesus.

You did know that I was one of the twelve original disciples of Jesus. I was the one that Jesus loved.

I was so young at the time. Just a boy really.

I think the other disciples must have questioned why Jesus called me along with the rest of them. Like maybe he was just permitting me to tag along. But I knew why. You may think it strange or haughty, but I always knew, even as a little boy, that I would help to change the world.

The Sons of Thunder, that’s what James and I were called, and rightly so. We had a mind to set the world right, and we were not going to do it sitting down. My brother might tell you some of the rash things I said or did– I’m sure there were plenty. But I’ll tell you what I remember from those days with Jesus.

I remember his amazing kindness and gentleness, how he could see right through a person. It actually contributed to his strength and authority rather than diminishing it. I had never seen anything like it in any other man.

I discovered such a strong force of agape love when I was with him. Many have repeated his words, but I only wish you could have seen his face, the love that was in his eyes. Especially that day when he used this pitcher (indicate pitcher nearby) to wash our feet. I remember thinking, “What kind of king is this… who would wash his subjects’ feet with his own hands?”

The more time I spent close to him, the more convinced I became that this love was the very thing that was going to change the world.

And so, John, the son of Zebedee, the Son of Thunder became, John the Beloved.

I went into this discipleship thing with Jesus thinking James and I were gonna get divine power to cut off all the enemies of Jesus. But the power we received was much stronger.

This power of love caused his enemies to fall at his feet and worship him. I witnessed it time and time again… it was simply incredible. It was unarguably divine and I had no way of fully understanding it, only accepting it.

Who would have thought a Son of Thunder would be speaking words like this?

John, the one whom Jesus loved, it has a nice ring to it don’t you think?

Sarah’s Story of Sifted

I went to a conference recently and found storiesofsifted.com where it talks about how people of the Bible have been “sifted” and what happened in their lives. I read one about Abraham and then thought I’d write one about Sarah. Her story is told in Genesis 12-23. If you like these, let me know and maybe I’ll write more like this. 🙂

Sarah’s Story of Sifted

I am not quite sure why, but it took a really long time for God to get through to me. You know, God always seemed so distant to me for much of my life. I was appreciative to him for all his blessings like beauty to attract a husband who was able to give me much security and comfort throughout my life. We lived lives of peace and relative happiness. I had servants to come and go. I had plenty of food to eat and lovely clothes to wear.

I basically trusted my husband. He was a good man and he knew God better than I could ever hope to know him, or so I reasoned. You see, I thought that in order to be the good wife, I was supposed to be beautiful, provide children, and basically do whatever my husband told me. This God that my husband served had been good to us and I was thankful. But it never really occurred to me that I could talk to him myself, that it wasn’t enough to just live off my husband’s faith.

You know him today as one of the fathers of faith, but Abraham was just a man, who made plenty of mistakes. He had fears just like everyone else. So did I. I lied for him, thinking it was my duty. Somehow I had gotten this idea in my head that I was the one holding God’s hand of blessing back from Abraham. That’s why I suggested he use Hagar as a substitution for me. That solution was no answer to my emptiness or to the fulfillment of God’s promise. I was so insecure that after her son was born, I harbored contempt for my poor servant lady, sending her and her son away. You see, even though I was surrounded by every advantage, it seemed that God had something against me. I felt that even my beauty proved to be a liability in my husband’s eyes.

Did I laugh at God? Yes, I did laugh. I’ll admit it now. But you have to remember that there was a time when Abraham laughed too. The thought of God working a miracle through this old body was honestly pretty crazy to me. Though I tried to hide it then, God saw right through me. He realized how my laughter only masked how insignificant I felt. That’s when he gave me my new name. It took time for me to grow into that name– okay, a lot of time. But over this time, the reality of God’s intentions toward me grew. It grew to the point that I finally became aware of my significance in his eyes. When I saw the evidence of my miracle son, Isaac, the veil began to lift. I began to realize that when God made me, he did not make a mistake. By this time, my hair was white and my skin hung loose around my eyes.

I only pray that it would not take my children and grandchildren as long as it took me to figure out how wide and how deep is the love of God for his chosen ones. Though we may laugh, though our hearts may be fickle, though we may be hopelessly flawed, his promises to us are more sure than the rising and setting of the sun. We, his people, have an inheritance beyond what we can comprehend. The truth of his promise never depended on my faith, thank God! He proved his love to me in ways I never imagined he would. He is the Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He is the God of Sarah too!